THE FEMALE GUINNESS BOOK OF RECORDS

Car Parking

The smallest kerbside space successfully reversed into by a woman was one of 19.36m (63ft 2in), equivalent to three standard parking spaces, by Mrs Elizabeth Simpkins, driving an unmodified Vauxhall Nova 'Swing' on 12th October 1993. She started the manoeuvre at 11.15am in Ropergate, Pontefract, and successfully parked within three feet of the pavement 8 hours 14 minutes later. There was slight damage to the bumpers and wings of her own and two adjoining cars, as well as a shop frontage and two lamp posts.

Film Confusion

The greatest length of time a woman has watched a film with her husband without asking a stupid plot-related question was achieved on the 28th October 1990, when Mrs Ethel Brunswick sat down with her husband to watch 'The Ipcress File'. She watched in silence for a breath-taking 2min 40sec before asking "Is he a goodie or a baddie, then, him in the glasses?",revealing a staggering level of ignorance. This broke her own record set in 1962 when she sat through 2min 38sec of '633 Squadron' before asking "Is this a war film, is it?".

Incorrect Driving

The longest journey completed with the handbrake on was one of 504km (313mile) from Stranraer to Holyhead by Dr. Julie Thorn(GB) at the wheel of a Saab 900 on the 2nd April 1987. Dr. Thorn smelled burning two miles into her journey at Aird but pressed on to Holyhead with smoke billowing from the rear wheels. This journey also holds the records for the longest completed journey with the choke fully out and the right indicator flashing.

Shop Dithering

The longest time spent dithering in a shop was 12 days between 21st August and 2nd September 1995 by Mrs Sandra Wilks (GB) in the Birmingham branch of Dorothy Perkins. Entering the shop on a Saturday morning, Mrs Wilks could not choose between two near identical dresses which were both in the sale. After one hour, her husband, sitting on a chair by the changing room with his head in his hands, told her to buy both. Mrs Wilks eventually bought one for £12.99, only to return the next day and exchange it for the other one. To date, she has yet to wear it. Mrs Wilks also holds the record for window shopping longevity, when, starting September 12th 1995, she stood motionless
gazing at a pair of shoes in Clinkard's window in Kidderminster for 3 weeks, two days before eventually going home.

Jumble Sale Massacre

The greatest number of old ladies to perish whilst fighting at a jumble sale is 98, at a Methodist Church Hall in Castleford, West Yorkshire on February 12th 1991. When the doors opened at 10.00am, the initial scramble to get in cost 16 lives, a further 25 being killed in a crush at the first table. A seven-way skirmish then broke out over a pinafore dress costing 10p which escalated into a full scale melee resulting in another 18 lives being lost. A pitched battle over a headscarf then ensued and quickly spread throughout
the hall, claiming 39 old women. The jumble sale raised £5.28 for local boyscouts.

Talking About Nothing

Mrs Mary Caterham (GB) and Mrs Marjorie Steele (GB) sat in a kitchen in Blackburn, Lancs. and talked about nothing whatsoever for four and a half months from 1st May to 7th August 1978, pausing only for coffee, cakes and toilet visits. Throughout the whole time, no information was exchanged and neither woman gained any new knowledge whatsoever. The outdoor record for talking about nothing is held by Mrs Vera Etherington (GB) and her neighbour Mrs Dolly Booth (GB) of Ipswich, who between 11th November 1983 and 12th January 1984 chuntered on over their fence in an unelightening dialogue lasting almost 62 days until Mrs Booth remembered she'd left the bath
running.

Gossiping

On February 18th 1992, Joyce Blatherwick, a close friend of Agnes Banbury popped round for a cup of tea and a chat, during the course of which she told Mrs Banbury, in the strictest confidence, that she was having an affair with the butcher. After Mrs Blatherwick left at 2.10pm, Mrs Banbury immediately began to tell everyone, swearing them all to secrecy. By 2.30pm, she had told 128 people of the news. By 2.50pm it had risen to 372 and by 4.00pm that afternoon, 2774 knew of the affair, including the local Amateur
dramatic society, several knitting circles, a coach-load of American tourists which she flagged down and the butchers wife. When a tired Mrs Banbury went to bed at 11.55pm that night Mrs Blatherwick's affair was common knowledge to a staggering 75,338 people, enough to fill Wembley Stadium.

Group Toilet Visit

The record for the largest group of women to visit a toilet simultaneously is held by 147 workers at the Department of Social Security, Longbenton. At their annual Christmas celebration at a night club in Newcastle-Upon-Tyne on October 12th 1994, Mrs Beryl Crabtree got up to go to the toilet and was immediately followed by 146 other members of the party. Moving as a mass, the group entered the toilet at 9.52pm and, after waiting for everyone to finish, emerged 2hr 37min later.

Single-Breath Sentence

A Berkshire woman today became the first ever to break the thirty minute barrier for talking without drawing breath. Mrs Mavis Sommers, 48, of Cowley, smashed the previous record of 23 minutes when she excitedly reported an argument she'd had in the butchers to her neighbour. She ranted on for a staggering 32 minutes and 12 seconds without pausing for air, before going blue and collapsing in a heap on the ground. She was taken to Radcliffe Infirmary in a wheelbarrow but was released later after check-ups. At the peak of her mammoth motormouth marathon, she achieved an unbelievable 680 words per minute, repeating the main points of the story an amazing 114 times whilst her neighbour, Mrs Dolly Knowles, nodded and tutted. The last third of the sentence was delivered in a barely audible croak, the last two minutes being mouthed only, accompanied by vigorous gesticulations and indignant spasm.


THE MENíS GUINNESS BOOK OF RECORDS



PUB ARGUMENT

The longest pub argument ever took place in the Old Stoat and Ferret Arms, Bingley, West Yorkshire between Mr Fred Arkwright and a bar acquaintance, Ronald Floggit between November 10th and January 9th 2006, over who was going to win the FA Cup that season. Mr Arkwright said it would surely be Macclesfield Town, a position that was disputed by Mr Floggit who staunchly believed it would be won by Rotherham United. During the course of this discussion, they consumed, on average, three pints of Websters Yorkshire bitter, six untipped Woodbines and a bag of pork scratchings each per hour before Mr Arkwright fell off his stool and died from a Myocardial Infarction. During the course of their marathon discourse, neither man noticed that both teams were knocked out of the FA Cup in the first round, only a few of days after their talk began.



FIGHT

The most personal injuries recorded in one personal fight was between Seamus McNally and Mick OíRegan, who got into a dispute over whether Arkle would have ever beaten Desert Orchid in the Cheltenham Gold Cup, and other matters of such jaw-shattering importance at the Birkenhead Catholic Club on 17 October 1996. From the moment that Mr OíRegan said ìYou, outside, nowî to the time when they were admitted to A & E, some two and a half hours elapsed. In this time a total of twenty three teeth were lost, both noses were broken and other 26 other injuries ranging from black eyes, bitten ears, displaced testicles and dislocated knuckles were recorded. Upon their release, both men left together ìTo go for a pintî and settle a disagreement over whether the 1965 boxing match between Henry Cooper and Cassius Clay should have been stopped on a technical knock outÖ..



DRIVING DISPUTE

The record amount of disturbance caused by driver intransigence occurred on 3rd August 1986. Mr Michael Rees of Bletchley, Hertfordshire directly opposed Mr Kieth Staines of Watford on a single lane road just outside Luton, Bedfordshire. Mr Rees was travelling north along the road in his white Ford Transit Van and Mr Staines was headed south in his caravanette. Despite there being a passing point only a few yards behind each car, neither driver would back up for the other. Each insisted that the other reverse back and give way. Mr Staines was the first to switch his engine off and Mr Rees was the first to get out of his vehicle and tell the other ìI can wait all day, mateî. Both sat in their vehicles for a staggering eight hours as traffic piled up behind them and a tailback several miles long in each direction occurred. The police had to arrive on foot because no vehicle could get to them and the traffic gridlock took fourteen officers another five and a half hours to clear. When all other vehicles had been diverted, both drivers still refused to budge and had to be arrested, their vehicles impounded and their driving licences forfeited because they were both driving without insurance anyway.



SHORTEST CHRISTMAS SHOPPING EXPEDITION

Mr Graham Payne, a 43 year old Hardware Supplies Salesman from South London and former husband of Angela made the shortest recorded Christmas shopping expedition ever on 24th December 1999. He stopped at a roadside flower vendor to buy a £4.99 bunch of daffodils for his wife by leaning out of the window of his VW Passat to make the purchase. The entire transaction took 11.3 seconds from start to finish. He then threw the flowers onto the back seat of the car which was also being used to transport samples which contained, amongst other things, Sodium Chlorate weedkiller. He presented his wife with the shrivelled remains of her gift on arriving home at 4 PM that day. Divorce proceedings began on 27th December, from Mrs Payneís motherís house where she had resided with their giftless three children since tea time three days before.



LONGEST ERUPTION OF FLATULENCE

The longest discharge of wind ever recorded took place at the Old Fartians Rugby Club on 17 March 2004. It was emitted by the clubís 1st XV hooker, Arthur ìWheelieî Binns. A continuous stream of methane was timed emitting from his rectum, for 22.3 seconds. At first, the watchers merely stood in awe, clapping and cheering, although a cigarette lighter was produced 10.2 seconds into the event which caused a jet of blue flame some 2 feet in length to scorch a nearby table and singe the moustache of the Club President who was sitting there.



DIY DISASTER

Arthur Wilkins of Milton Keynes blacked out the entire western end of the town on the evening of November 7th 1998. More than three thousand homes and businesses were left without electricity after Mr Wilkins attempted to repair his wifeís hair dryer, a record number of people to be directly affected by a single DIY event. Starting with his fuse box, he worked his way around the ring main and somehow caused a massive short out which blew all the circuits at the nearby sub station, plunging most of the town into darkness. It took five electricity board engineers most of the night to restore power to the entire town.. His wife later successfully changed the 3 amp fuse in the plug on the hair dryer without any fuss.



ORGASM

There is no known confirmed instance of any man successfully bringing a woman to an un-faked sexual climax.