funny, well it made me laugh Options

[Emily]

This made me laugh

"Squawks" are problems noted but U.S. Airforce pilots and left for the maitenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some actual maintenace complaints logged by those Air force pilots and the replies logged by the maintanence crews.
(P) = Problems †(S) = Solutions

(P) Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement
(S) Almosy replaced left inside main tyre.

(P) Test flight OK, except auto land very rough.
(S) Auto land not installed on this aircraft.

(P) # 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
(S) # 2 propeller seepage normal - # 1, # 3, and # 4 propellers lack normal seepage.

(P) Something loose in cockpit.
(S) Sothing tightened in cockpit.

(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
(S) Evidence removed.

(P) DME volume unbelievably lound.
(S) Volume set to more believably level.

(P) Dead bugs on windshield.
(S) Live bugs on order.

(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces 200 fpm desent.
(S) Cannot reproduce problems on ground.

(P) IFF inoperative
(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

(P) Friction locks cause thrittle levels to stick.
(S) That's what they're there for.

(P) # 3 engine missing.
(S) Engine found on righ wing after brief search.

(P) Aircraft handles funny.
(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right", and be serious.

(P) Target Radae hums.
(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the words.

[Emily]

Alex McLeish is looking for new players so he sends his chief scout to Afghanistan to search for new talent. Sure enough he finds an outstanding 18 year old striker and immediately signs him on a 5 year contract.

Back in Glasgow Alex McLeish takes a look at him at training and plays from the start in the big game against Celtic! The new lad is fantastic he scores a hat trick and creates 4 more as rangers win 7-0!
Ecstatic after the game, the young lad phones home to tell is mum the good
news.
'Mum, I've just made my debut and had a great game. The team love me the
fans love me the press love me life is great!'

'Well,' says his mum I'm glad life is great for you. Shall I tell you what happened to us today? Your dad's been murdered in the street, your sister and I were raped in broad daylight, and your brothers joined a gang of drug
running killers'.

'Mum, I don't know what to say. I'm so sorry.'
'SORRY?' she yells. 'Your ****in' sorry?'
It's YOUR fault we moved to Glasgow in the first place!'